My best friend bought the cheapest car she could find, a supremely dark purple 1993 Buick Century Wagon with a luggage rack, fold-down back seats, a secret compartment and a hatchback that takes two people to open, one at the back and one at the glove compartment button. The driver side window doesn’t go up all the way, the bottom part of the dash keeps falling down and the back right window leaks when it rains. The former owner was trying to hot rod it, so it had bigger rims in the back, but the tires were so bad we just replaced all the rims and tires.
She, however, is the most stalwart woman I know. She put a radio in it, slapped a Pussywagon sticker on the back, strapped a Christmas tree to the luggage rack in homage to the Chuck Palahniuk novel Rant, and she drives that wagon all over town, out of town and back as far as three hundred miles, and she’s done that a half dozen times so far. It may be falling apart, but this machine is a dream, a workhorse, and it never breaks down. We’ve all had a car in our lives that was just magical, heroic, akin only to our favorite pet.
So I’m watching Orgazmo (1997), one of the great and far too few movies by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Matt Parker plays Joseph Young, a martial arts-fighting Mormon who goes into porn to support himself and his wife, using a stunt double for the sex scenes of course. He plays crimefighter Orgazmo in an adult film series. Dian Bachar plays Ben in the movie who plays Orgazmo’s sidekick, Choda Boy, in the adult film series. Ben and Choda Boy, his porn alter ego —we all have one—are both gadget geniuses.
They start using their superpowers in the real life of the movie by defending their Asian hip-hop sushi bar owner G-Fresh played by Masao Maki. Yeah, right now some of you are thinking, “Why have I never seen this movie?”
Events progress, the bad guys get Joe’s girlfriend, and upon exiting his house Ben says, “Quick, to the Orgazmo-bil.” We’ve already watched them fight a half dozen times. What is this Orgazmo-bil? Even Orgazmo doesn’t know.
And then Ben says it—“My Buick Century.” And then we see it, a supremely dark purple 1993 Buick Century Wagon—the Orgazmo-bil—as it peels out of the driveway. No machine gun headlights, no passenger ejection seat, no flux capacitator, just a 1993 supremely purple Buick Century Wagon with a luggage rack. It is single-handedly the most underused superhero vehicle in cinema history. Its screentime is shameful.
However, they leave the film open to a sequel with the help of the indefatigable Lloyd Kaufman of Troma Entertainment. The Orgazmo-bil is deserving of much more film time if they make a sequel. Plus, I know someone who owns one.
