… Despite Your Personality And Soul
Someone may have the best gizmos and gadgets in the world, but a soul that smells like raw sewage. That person does not a soulmate make. “In sickness and in health, ‘til your inherently crappy personality do us part” has always been my philosophy. But even I have to admit there are some cars that would send my ethics on permanent vacation.
1963-1967 Corvette Sting Ray
This thing looks remarkably like something Batman would tool around in on his day off. Not Ben Affleck’s bootleg Batman or Christian Bale’s laryngitis Batman, but that TBT Batman from 1966. For this sleek car, I would overlook many a personality flaw. Mouth breather? I will teach you how to breathe again. Watch Fox News? I’ll pretend you’re doing sociological research. Use the word “anways?” I’ll give you a thesaurus to read while I drive around in your car. This car, ladies and gentleman, is the facial concealer of the personality.
Jaguar F-Type Coupe
This looks like something Mark Wahlberg would drive in a crappy 2013 heist movie, probably set in Amsterdam. He’d say “I’m on it” into a cell before hopping through the driver’s side window and careening off, firing backwards over his shoulder in the bad guys’ direction. That’s the feeling I’m going for and that’s why I’d pretend you don’t think “The Secret” is a valid approach to life choices.
Land Rover Range Rover Autobiography
Sure, it does look like something your affluent grandfather who only visits once a year from Nicaragua might drive, and sure, it might smell like Pine Fresh Breath Obliviator inside. But come on: it’s called the Autobiography. The freakin’ Autobiography — the name alone implies adventure and intrigue. And dentures. But mostly adventure!
I’m not even sure what type of creature would drive this car: some hybrid between Ian McKellan and Don Cheadle, with a silver cane and a mysterious Eastern European accent and possibly a membership in the Illuminati. Whoever owns this car is wifey material. The Figaro is a product of Japan’s classic car boom, and its unique style justifies any mate’s obsession with the Kardashian’s, love of Chipotle, or faithful attendance of Nickelback concerts.
2015 Dodge Challenger
Full disclosure: I got to drive this thing as a rental on a business trip once, and I spent many hours cruising around aimlessly instead of working. Fuller disclosure: I brought that up solely to brag. The Challenger’s bulky shape is meant to be reminiscent of the original 1970s version of the Dodge Challenger, which is why it looks like Dirk Diggler on wheels. And is also why I would overlook a career in an adult film or a predilection for random karate chopping in order to ride around in this car. When you open the door, you reveal glowing lights illuminating the word “Challenger” in the door frame, EDM-concert style. Firmly at the intersection of “cool” and “toolish,” and slightly Transformers-esque, but nevertheless the ultimate mask for any personality flaw in a relationship.