Whoa, you got old way faster than you thought you would…time to panic! But instead of reaching out to friends or therapy, beat back that midlife crisis the old fashioned way: buy a car! Doesn’t that sound like more fun than self-improvement? We thought it did!
And here’s 7 amazing cars to ease yourself into accepting that, yeah, this is what life is gonna be like from now on.
The Chevy Camaro IROC-Z
Did your high school sweetheart stop responding to your creepy Facebook messages? There’s more than one way to get your childhood back! The Camaro IROC-Z is the perfect way to remind yourself that you once had hopes and dreams. With a 5.0-liter small-block V8 & a tuned port injection system, the IROC-Z is literally what would happen if an evil wizard transformed Bruce Springsteen into a car.
The Mazda RX-7
The RX-7 looks happy, but is miserable inside. Sound familiar? The “FC” line of the RX-7 brought a few improvements, like rack and pinion steering and independent suspension. Independence…maybe that’s what you need. Cheryl kinda tricked you into marrying her anyway. What did you know? You were young and stupid. Should you have to pay for this mistake for the rest of your life? Of course not! Quick, buy a vintage RX-7, and use it to find a THIRD wife!
The Toyota 4Runner
The nice thing about this car is it has “run” right in the name. Yes. Run. Listen to that little voice in your head that’s screaming, “Blow up this life and start fresh in Western Massachusetts.” Your old college roommate lives there with his wife and kids — surely he’ll be cool with you crashing in the garage for a while, Fonzie style. Yes. YES! Time to hotbox this 4Runner and head up I-95! But first, to ask your intern where to buy weed…
This Sickly Green Dodge Challenger
Make the other guys in your office “green” with envy, and your teenage daughter “green” with disgust! You can really open up the the 700+ hp, 6.2-liter supercharged V8 of the Dodge Challenger on that small stretch of open road between the 7-11 and the other 7-11, but we don’t recommend it. Hey: it might make the girls go so crazy they leave their boyfriends forever and chase you around, Beatlemania style! But you’re really not in shape to be running around like that.
The Cheapest Weird British Car You Can Find
Hey, check out my new personality, I mean, car! The Alfa Romeo Spider is a great way to tell the world, “I’m far from dead.” It’s got a Kamm tail, a fact you can explain to your co-workers, then watch the life drain from their eyes. So buy it! Do your kids REALLY need to go to college? Sure you did, but your dad didn’t! He was unhappy, but never even considered getting divorced. Oh my god, are you thinking about getting divorced?
A Party Bus
Y’know what, screw it, just get a party bus. Be a party bus guy. Drive all around and ask strange girls if they wanna “party with a legend.” Commit to the party bus.
Haha. This is great and it makes me want to buy a bright green car! So funny!!