We’re as curious as you are. If the remaining 2016 presidential candidates were cars, which cars would they be?
Save for the hipster fan base who never seems to shut up about owning one, the Prius is, in many ways, the perfect car. Not too big, not too small, great for the environment. If you’ve ever driven one, you know that it might not be the fastest or the flashiest, but it’s a smooth, reliable drive. So what that they turn some people off? Forget those folks, they don’t know what they’re missing. On the surface, they’re also super affordable—less than $10,000 in a lot of markets. What no one seems to anticipate when they buy a Prius, though, is that the battery sometimes breaks and you need to buy a new one. Word on the street is that’s a costly replacement. But then again, according to more seasoned Prius owners, it doesn’t have to be.
Hillary Clinton | Volkswagen Jetta
In spite of the recent scandals surrounding Volkswagen, they have an otherwise good track record. It’s not that lying about their emissions wasn’t a big deal—it was—but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still a functional, practical car. Of Volkswagen you might ask yourself, “If they lied about their emissions, what else could they be lying about?” Nobody knows. What we do know is that in the 90’s, you were really into the eminently more lovable, more popular Volkswagen Beetle—the epitome of classic cool, even if it can be a PITA to drive sometimes. The Jetta’s good too though. And it’s totally for gay marriage now. Consider anything else you’ve heard a negligible blip on the radar.
Donald Trump | DeLorean
It was tempting to cast Trump as a Hummer, but really, he’s a DeLorean through and through. He’s not so much “the ultimate asshole car” so much as he’s…expensive, and yet, still shares his engine with a Volvo. He even drives well in the right environment–like on set. He definitely doesn’t make sense on your average American road. A Ford F-150 he is not—and don’t let him try and convince you otherwise. Plus, what’s up with those doors?
Jeb Bush | Chrysler Minivan
Minivan’s aren’t bad cars. They’re gas guzzlers compared to the likes of a Toyota Camry, sure, but they have much better mileage than, say, a Hummer. One might say they’re one of the more…moderate large vehicles. And they’re utilitarian—to an extent—even if a little bit dated. For the most part, they’re reliable. What Minivans lack in street cred, they make up in cargo space, even if they are primarily thought of the providence of soccer moms. Plus, occasionally you’ll see a teenage boy desperately barreling through the neighborhood in one. That’s it’s own kind of cool, right? He might be in a band or something.
The fact of the matter is, when Jeb said he wasn’t “like other Chryslers,” you didn’t know that he meant he was a minivan. And besides, you owned two Chryslers already (and they were cooler models).
Ben Carson | Cameron’s Dad’s Car from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, pre-meltdown
It looks fast and at some point it probably was. But now you just wonder when the last time there was a driver behind the wheel. (That or the Nissan Cube…)
Marco Rubio | (Toyota) Scion
For a while, Scions were doing really well. Toyota’s attempt to lure young drivers in was…working. A cute little compact car that even produced its own mix tapes. But mixtapes skip and tides turn— the Scion lost its footing. It didn’t have enough storage space and people weren’t willing to commit to the Scion for the long haul… which is why it was reabsorbed into its parent brand last week.
Ted Cruz | Ford Country Squire
Anyone else notice how Ted Cruz always manages to look both happy and sad at the same time? This tweet sums it up perfectly:
The Ford Country Squire is sort of like that sentiment in car-form. It’s like…maybe it’s a good car? Parking it seems like it’s going to be kind of hard…It doesn’t have to be, though. But then again, it seems like it’s really good for road trips…You definitely like those. And it’s so much more practical than a DeLorean… Way more practical than a DeLorean. On the other hand…the last update to it was in the early 90’s…Which one are you more likely to get into an accident in though? Wait, the Ford Country Squire believes what?
John Kasich | Toyota Camry
The Toyota Camry is the kind of simple utilitarian vehicle you’d expect a really boring family in Ohio to buy. There’s nothing really wrong with them, they’re just kind of forgettable.
We don’t know. A bicycle, maybe? Who is this guy?
All art compliments of DonkeyHotey.