Make. Model. Year. Horsepower. Speakers. Heated Seats. Important, sure, but let’s get down to the first thing people are gonna notice. In this country of purple mountains and amber waves, the color of your car says just as much about you as the car itself. It’s like your zodiac sign’s zodiac sign, if you think about it (Ed. don’t think about it). So check out the list below to see what the color of your car says about you.
ORANGE: Your jeep has no roof and you think Spring Break is wasted on the Under 30 crowd. Oh, and you’ve coordinated your car with your skin color. Daytona!
YELLOW: What are you, a school bus driver? Stop drinking so much on the job, those are real live kids back there. And yes, you have to make sure each one of them gets home, everyday.
GREEN: You may not be a poor person, and you may not be a rich person; but magically, you’re both a poor person’s rich person and a rich person’s poor person. There’s also a good chance you’re European. (Don’t forget the tracksuit)
BLUE: You listen to “Eleanor Rigby” on repeat and think daily about Tibet’s struggle for independence. You also hate direct conflict, which is funny because your refusal to speed up while merging on the highway has caused more road rage than rush hour traffic jams in L.A.
PURPLE: You’re a boss player that gets more ladies rollin’ at 6mph than your average wannabe badass going 90. Respect.
PINK: Daddy, I told you I wanted a Bugatti, not a Lambo! And it’s not even a convertible. Worst Sweet 16 ever!
BLACK: Either you drive a hearse, or American Psycho makes you miss the 80s. Your favorite subject is New York City architecture because you get to use the word brutalism.
MATTE BLACK: You can dismantle a car into individual parts using only a multi-tool. Furthermore, you know where to get a good deal on copper wire, no questions asked.
WHITE: Your favorite road is the Pacific Coast Highway, and you can drive 55. A little Hall and Oates, a nice chardonnay, and you’re ready to go allllll the way (to second base).
GRAY: You long ago set your life on cruise control and now you’re just waiting til the road runs out. You’re the type of person to set their A/C to the same temperature that the car already is just to heighten the meaninglessness.
PRIMER GRAY: You believe in function, not flash, which is why you’ll drink and sleep with anything hanging ‘round the strip after the Thursday night drag races. But at least you know that James Taylor, for a brief period in 1971, truly was the coolest.
BEIGE: You’re a billionaire that orders the same $3.49 diner breakfast every morning and doesn’t tip. That, or you’re an NPR listener that voted against Bernie in order to teach him some humility. Either way, you judge people that add anything to their oatmeal, such as brown sugar or enough water.
MULTI-COLORED: You’re absolutely, definitely an artist, which is not at all code for aging hippie lady that does facepainting at the park and is secretly a hoarder.
Did we miss your color? Disagree with our analysis? Sound off in the comments!