Sometimes you have an article deadline approaching but all you wanna do is watch vids on YouTube.
Sometimes, after watching Latarian on repeat for an hour, you forget to hit refresh before it skips to the next kid-centric car chase clip. Sometimes, you just have to rank them on a scale of “no video games” to “bad things are fun.”
4. “KID CAR CHASE – 7 Year Old didn’t want want to go to Church in Utah – STEALS CAR – HILARIOUS”
This low-res, audio-less car chase is mercifully short at 32 seconds. The title gives away the punchline long before you see the kid park his father’s Dodge Intrepid and make a run for it. This video is the equivalent of your mother emailing you “I can haz cheezburger” cat memes in 2016.
Rating: -1 out of 5
3. “7-Year-Old Michigan Boy Steals Car, Drives It 20 Miles To Visit His Dad (VIDEO).mp4”
Ugh. You don’t even see the kid in this one, plus the guy that uploaded the video added word balloons to make it clear why he never got that joke writing gig on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I swear at 1:00, you can hear the cop say “we gotta stop, he’s crying.” Even worse, the video description says he stole his stepdad’s car so he could visit his real father. It may as well be the plot of the first Lifetime Original Movie to star a male.
Bad Things: This Video
Ciguhrette Equivalent: Smoking The Filter
2. “13 Year Old Loses Control Of Car During Police Chase”
This video starts slower than a Stanley Kubrick space film. In fact, it watches like footage used to pad an episode of COPS. Finally, at 1:32, our 8th grade driver’s inner-Latarian kicks in as he peels out and blasts across the median into oncoming traffic. The occupants jump out, and plot twist – his partner in grand theft auto is his 8-year-old sister. However, the pair takes off running, showing a decidedly un-Latarian sense of consequence.
No Video Games: An Entire Saturday
Beatings From Grandma: 3
1.”AN EPIC POLICE CHASE: POLICE VS 12 YEAR OLD BOY IN PURSUIT”
Puberty is a hell of a drug. It made that one guy in middle school grow breasts because his body produced so much testosterone, it produced extra estrogen to compensate. In this video, it makes a 12-year-old manboy with “no skill and no fear” work out his hormones by stealing a sedan and weaving through oncoming traffic at 120mph.
Eventually the cops quit pursuing him in the hopes he’ll calm down, but does that stop him? Hell no – he slams the gas pedal through the floor until he flips end over end like a champion. The boy survives unscathed, because only [REDACTED] get stitches. When the cop tells him he’s in big trouble, James Dean Jr. doubles down on his Rebel Without a License status and says, “No sir, I was wearing my seatbelt.” After this, the kid could sleep with anyone he wanted, which is ironic, because his inability to give a [REDACTED] technically means he’s a virgin for life. This chase gets the Latarian Milton Fist Bump of Approval™.
Sensationalist Commentary: 2 out of 2 Testicles
Videogame Privileges: Screw It, Play All You Want
Beatings From Grandma: Infinite