Editor’s note: I heard of a guy who once referred to his girlfriend as “the Ford Taurus of girls.” That is to say … A dependable ride, albeit not one you’d show off to your friends. So I reached out to Asterios and we started talking… what are some other cars you definitely DON’T want to compare your girlfriend to? Here’s what he came up with.
Consumer Reports ranks the Toyota Avalon as the “most reliable large car” on the market. Don’t call her any of these things. “Large” and “car” are two terrible, bad things to refer to your girlfriend as. Reliable is okay, but what does it really mean in a girlfriend context? Just tell her she’s pretty!
2. The 2001 Pontiac Aztek
Edmunds lists the Aztek as the “worst car of all time,” because it drove the final nail into “Pontiac’s heavily side-clad, plastic coffin.” I’m not gonna pretend to get that joke, but calling your girlfriend heavily side-clad and plastic won’t go over well. Also, don’t imply that she’s the reason Pontiac went bankrupt. That’s just mean.
3. The 1958 Ford Edsel
First off, unless she’s really into cars, she’s gonna have to Google this. So you’re making her do work to find out you’re insulting her. As you well know, The Edsel was a huge bomb, and the word itself is synonymous with failure. Also, Time Magazine says the grill of the Edsel “looks like a vagina.” You’re better than this, Time Magazine.
4. The 1987 Adobe
The Adobe costs only $179! How? It’s imported from Mexico, and made entirely out of clay. So you’re not only calling her cheap and easily manipulated, but you’re also a racist. Avoid calling your GF “The Adobe.”
5. The 1974 Speed Buggy
Speed Buggy was a magic talking car, so at first blush, this sounds like a compliment. But Speed Buggy was also super annoying. It’s catchphrase, “Vroom-a-zoom-zoom,” would quickly wear out its welcome at family functions. It’s other catchphrase, “Who put the antifreeze in my carburetor?” is a sign of a leaking head gasket, or a crack in the block. Tinker should really have a look under your girlfriend’s hood.
6. The 1941 Mercedes-Benz 770K Grosser W150 Offener Tourenwagen
The good news: only a few were ever made, meaning she’s a rare, exotic gem. Bad news: it was Hitler’s car. Never call your girlfriend Hitler’s car*.
7. That Car From Spy Hunter
The Spy Hunter car was weak, handled like a kite, and was easily destroyed by machine gun fire. Your girlfriend deserves better than being called these things. Also, what the hell spies was that guy hunting? Someone tell me, I’m @Asterios and I really want to know.
*Unless she’s into that? But then, you should probably find another girlfriend.